“Separate-generation parenting” is slowly ruining children’s lives (a must-read for parents)

Raising children requires parents to be hands-on.
The elderly taking care of children may gain us some temporary relief, but what we may lose is the future of our children.

I used to think that intergenerational parenting was a good thing:
It can not only relieve the elderly from missing their grandchildren, avoid loneliness in their later years, but also allow children to receive adequate care and love.

As for us, we can free up our energy to focus on our careers and achieve three goals with one stone. Why not?

With this idea in mind, after my son Xiaoming went to kindergarten, I brought my retired parents from my hometown to the city.

My parents pick up and drop off their children every day and prepare three meals a day, which completely relieves my husband and I from worries.

Xiao Ming once suffered from asthma. His father often couldn’t sleep for a whole night in order to change Xiao Ming’s towels for him who was prone to night sweats…

Seeing that my son is happy and healthy day by day, I said to my parents: “Mom and Dad, you two might as well just live with us all the time. Xiao Ming and we can’t live without you!”

The father said cheerfully: “Wow, I’m in good health and can take care of Xiao Ming until he goes to college and gets a wife!”
However, it all came to an abrupt end when my son entered the fourth grade of elementary school…

That day is Teacher’s Day.
I specially prepared a small gift and found Xiao Ming’s class teacher, Teacher Zhao, after school in the afternoon.

After some pushing, the teacher accepted it with a blushing face.
I was very grateful and said something like, “If the child is disobedient, please criticize and teach me more,” and then hurriedly left.

However, as soon as I reached the school gate, I was stopped by the teacher who was chasing me.
The teacher said to me sternly: “Your child is in danger now!”
When the teacher said that, he didn’t look at me, just stared at the playground in the distance.

I asked in panic: “What danger?”
“He may have autistic tendencies.”
The teacher’s words were like thunder, exploding in my ears.
Autism? my child? I dare not associate it with Xiao Ming.

Xiao Ming has been smart and lively since he was a child, but has become less naughty as he gets older. I think children grow up like this, and there is nothing wrong with being gentle and reserved. How can this be……

The teacher glanced at me:
“Xiao Ming is very lonely in the class and doesn’t like to play with his classmates. He seems to be staring at the blackboard during class, and he stays silent when asked to get up to answer questions;

More often than not, he would be lost in thought alone, fiddling with his pen, but not listening, and his grades would drop drastically. “
The teacher told me that Xiao Ming’s introverted and autistic character may have been left behind in the second grade.

It was one day shortly after the start of the next semester. The teacher gave an extra class after extracurricular activities in the afternoon.

At that time, children from other classes had finished school one after another, and only parents from Xiaoming’s class were waiting outside the school gate.

The teacher was talking enthusiastically, but Xiao Ming’s grandfather couldn’t wait any longer. He rushed into the classroom and shouted: “It’s already over and you’re still dragging the class? What are you talking about!”

The teacher’s face turned pale with anger. It was the first time such a thing had happened to her in more than ten years of teaching. She didn’t respond to my father and immediately announced that school was over.

Grandpa Xiao Ming walked straight to Xiao Ming’s seat, held Xiao Ming’s hand and walked out of the classroom, mumbling incessantly as he walked.
Hearing this, my legs trembled: “What happened next?”

“Later, boys in the class often bullied Xiao Ming, and Xiao Ming became very isolated.”
I was about to cry and asked, “You didn’t criticize those boys?”
“I criticized.
I can still control those children in class, but I can’t control them during other classes, and I can’t control them even more during recess.
I feel like this kid is getting more and more bored, and not many people talk to him. “

Tears welled up in my eyes.
My poor son, he is only ten years old. He faces such an environment at school every day. How much harm does this do to his body and mind!
I cried and said, “I want to save him! Teacher, please help me, is it still too late?”

A flash of pity flashed in the teacher’s eyes: “There’s enough time.”
Afterwards, she briefly learned about my family situation and said:
“Compared with other classmates, Xiao Ming has very obvious characteristics of being raised across generations: introverted, taciturn, unsociable, unconfident, and not focused enough.
The important thing now is not to live with old people. “

I said: “His father and I are both busy at work, and sometimes we need the help of the elderly to help us around.”
The teacher said seriously: “Anyway, please go back to your hometown, old man. I can’t say more, you can figure it out yourself.
No matter how great the difficulties you have, they are not worth the difficulties your children are facing now! “

I stared at Teacher Zhao, and there was a trace of guilt in her eyes: “I’m sorry, I’m only telling you this now…”

This trace of guilt touched me instantly and made me understand her.
Two years ago, the scene when my father rushed into the classroom and scolded her in public may have become a hurdle that she couldn’t overcome.

In the process of Xiao Ming’s gradual transformation, she actually also has an unshirkable responsibility. It takes a lot of courage to speak out this time.

I said with tears in my eyes: “Teacher, I don’t blame you. I want to thank you for saying all this. Your suggestions are very precious and I will consider them carefully!”

When I got home and faced my father, I felt an inexplicable sullenness, but I couldn’t let it happen. I was so tortured by this emotion that I couldn’t even take a bite of food.

My father didn’t know what was going on and said softly: “The rice cooked today seems a bit hard. I won’t eat rice anymore. Let’s drink some porridge.” After saying that, he got up and helped me put the food in it.

My heart trembled and I quickly stopped him: “I’ll do it myself.”
The moment I turned my back to my father, I told myself that my father was over sixty years old and had already sacrificed a lot for Xiao Ming and this family.

He will not understand the serious consequences of his impulse two years ago.
Everything that goes wrong is our own fault.

As a mother, I failed. Think about it carefully, how many times have I attended my son’s parent-teacher conferences? Are our concerns in place?
I remember one time when Xiao Ming came home and burst into tears.

I asked my father what was going on, and he shouted loudly: “There is something wrong with their class teacher. Every time she sends the children out, she looks like we owe her money and we won’t pay her back!”
Every time I heard my father say this, I just coaxed Xiao Ming and bought him some toys or books to comfort him, without delving into the reasons.

I’m really careless…
Thinking of this, my emotions gradually calmed down, and I focused on making up for Xiao Ming’s serious lack of maternal love.

After discussing it with my husband, we decided to send our parents back to our hometown but never tell them the truth.

When I asked my parents to go back to my hometown on the grounds that my job had recently changed and I didn’t have to travel, my mother couldn’t accept it for a while and shed tears.

Naturally, his father was reluctant to give up. While folding Xiao Ming’s change of clothes, he gently caressed her in a daze.

When my husband saw it, he couldn’t bear it and discussed with me: “How about we wait until Xiao Ming is older before we let them go?”

I said with tears in my eyes, “We have to go. We can’t let our parents take care of our children for too long, otherwise it will ruin Xiao Ming’s life!”

On the way to send my parents back to their hometown, my husband got off the bus and I tactfully mentioned the incident where my father rushed into the classroom the year before last.

The father said proudly, “I yelled at her that day, but she didn’t dare to do it anymore!”

I smiled bitterly. My father and I were not on the same page at all, and it would be difficult for him to understand me.

Back in the city, I gave almost all my time to my son outside of work.
I take turns taking him to and from school every day with my husband, and carefully prepares his meals for the day;

In his free time, he also brings children’s books for Xiao Ming to share with the children.
Do homework and play games with him in the evening.
Before going to bed, read classics with him, recite English, and massage his back to help him sleep more soundly.
Soon, Xiao Ming stopped clamoring for only his grandparents.

A year later, he became more attached to me than ever before, and sometimes he even acted coquettishly towards me.

One weekend afternoon, I suddenly noticed a gardenia on the window sill of my study, inserted in a plastic cup filled with water.

I thought it was a rare romance from Xiao Ming’s father. Xiao Ming’s father said it was not him. Looking at Xiao Ming again, he scratched his head a little shyly and smiled.
I got it, and I was overjoyed. My Xiao Ming, the sunny and healthy Xiao Ming is back.

Xiao Ming soon entered junior high school.
On the first day he registered, I explained everything that Xiao Ming had experienced in primary school to the head teacher, Mr. Wang, and asked the teacher to give Xiao Ming some tolerance.

Teacher Wang agreed and took great care of Xiao Ming. Knowing that Xiao Ming is good at computers, she asked Xiao Ming to be responsible for the use and repair of computers in the class.
When her classmates encountered problems using their computers, she also asked them to ask Xiao Ming.

Gradually, Xiao Ming became recognized as a computer “little genius” in his class.
His self-confidence increased and his grades caught up.
Three years later, Xiao Ming took the high school entrance examination and entered a provincial key high school.

Two years later, Xiao Ming was about to take the college exam.
At the age of 17, he is already 186cm tall. His teachers and classmates all think that he is kind, upright, generous and gentle. When he adjusts his seat, there are always classmates who want to sit with him.

He has an extremely fulfilling life every day. In addition to attending classes, doing homework, and reviewing, he also walks and plays ball with his good friends.
During holidays, students will visit, and they will also be invited to play at their homes.
He often changes his signature in his social software. This week is “Learning to inject positive energy into his complaints.”

Every morning, Xiao Ming would tacitly fulfill the agreement he had made with me for several years:

Xiao Ming put on his schoolbag and ran downstairs, got on his beloved sky blue racing car, and adjusted his posture to move forward gracefully.

When this handsome young man raised his face, met my eyes and waved goodbye to me who was standing by the window on the third floor, my heart, which had been sleeping all night, suddenly became brighter.
Thank God for allowing me to work harder to win Xiao Ming back.

But the parents who were far away in their hometown no longer had the fetters of taking care of their grandson, and they felt much more relaxed.
The old couple travels several times a year, and the photos they sent in showing them walking hand in hand during the trip show bright smiles.
I feel more and more that my decision to invite them home was the right one.

If I can live to the day when I become a grandmother, I will definitely be able to pick up flowers and smile, or travel around, or immerse myself in calligraphy and painting, instead of chasing after my grandchildren to feed them.

At most I am his happy playmate.
Because the heartbreaking pain I felt decades ago taught me that maternal love is a graceful withdrawal, and the love of ancestors is even more so.

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